It's lonely at the deep end

It has been a while since I posted....not that anyone would notice, with the exception of my dear friend Margaret...Hi Margaret!  :) Oh, I have had a lot to say, just no urgency to say it.  A lack of fire in my belly you might say.  Uninspired.  

The Adoption process is moving along....slowly.  But that is how it goes when you are going through the state I suppose. And this is ok, we need the time for preparations!  And I am not just talking about the house.  Spiritually and emotionally....we are praying for God to prepare us for the child and the child for us.  (I hope there is one out there that will want us!)

But I want to make a wild hair turn in the road here for this post.  Something Dwight and I have been struggling with for quite some time and are frustrated afresh with is the lack of true connection we feel at church.  I googled this topic today with the words, "I don't feel connected at church" and boys howdy, it seems there are a lot of other people who feel the exact same way we do!  (see the comments from the blog:

https://lauradroege.wordpress.com/2013/12/16/me-the-invisible-woman-in-the-church-pew

It's frustrating! In this dark, cold world, you would think that if there was any place you could feel safe, loved and accepted, it would be in the church.  Isn't that where hurting people are supposed to run to to find compassion and healing? With the people of God?  Yet, we have found time after time, that after the initial "Hi, we're glad you are here visiting with us, have a loaf of banana bread" has worn off, most people do not really even want to engage with you at all, let alone at a deep level of mutual honesty and brotherly communion.  And that is what I crave.  Sure, I go to church to worship God and hear His word taught.  But I seem to leave the church feeling rather disregarded and empty most of the time.  Can I get a witness?  Why are we so cold and detached to one another?  I tell you, I find more cordiality and friendliness standing in line at the grocery store with a stranger than I feel at the House of God sometimes.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?!  

Now I know some might retort, "To have a friend, one must show himself friendly." Check.  Trying my darnedest.  I went to the Ladies Bible Study for a few times....same thing.  Get the general pleasantries over with and go back to their set friends who they really want to talk to.  "Well maybe you just need to get more involved, volunteer to serve somewhere in the church." Check times three.  Of the three different ministries I have signed up to help in, I have yet to hear back from only one and so far they have not been in any hurry to get me involved.  One ministry leader didn't even have the common courtesy to reply to my email at all.  

So where is this whine fest going you ask?  You know, I really don't know.  I just know that I desire deeper relationships with others, need the honesty and support of true friendship, especially as we embark on our adoption journey, and we are hard pressed to find it in the church.  I would love to hear any comments or feedback that anyone has on this subject.  Leaving this one hanging out there for a while....

Peace and Love.

TGIF

Hello Friday!  Where have you been all my life?  Glad to tell this week "Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya!" Yeah, it was one of those. Grabbed some Chinese take out on the way home and have just finished sharing it with three beggar cats.  Dessert:  Chocolate Creme Oreos.  Bam!  This TGIF party is under way!  Seriously, have you tried those?

Don't we just seem to wish our life away? "Living for the weekend." (10 bonus points if you can name the group who sang this!) Then Sunday night rolls around too fast and we are back to the Monday Morning blues. "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down." C'mon....I KNOW you gotta know who did that one!  (Answers at the bottom of this blog...no cheating!)  It feels so wasteful. And I want to do better. "Redeeming the time because the days are evil." (Ephesians 5:16) It is a perspective thing....See, time to God is not the same as it is to us.  I don't think God is bound by time at all. We humans, on the other hand are slaves to it.

What am I getting at?  I think I am trying to give myself a pep rally most of all. Make my time count.  Stop trying to impress people who don't really care and won't value the effort. Look for the real opportunities where people are hurting and lonely. Pray for discernment and the Holy Spirit's radar to zoom in on the people He wants me to serve.  I tell you, there are wounded souls out there, dying to know someone cares.  Broken people.  I happen to be one.  And I am not saying this for attention or sympathy.  I am just saying, "It takes one to know one." And once you are one, carry the first aid kit around and do some triage.

As we  prepare for the child God chooses to give us, I am tempted to fear and think maybe I am too broken to handle it?  Like I have to have it all together to take on the task.  How can I be a healer when I don't even feel whole enough?  But as Todd Agnew says, "We  have to learn to ask the better questions." (paraphrased) How about, "Can God use my brokenness to show His strength in my weaknesses?" "Who does this child really belong to?" "What amazing things can we learn together by the grace of God?"

So...RAH RAH RAH!!! Go, Fight, Win!  We are more than conquerors though Christ who loves us.(Romans 8:39)

I know you peeked....naughty naughty!  But here are the music trivia answers:
"Living For the Weekend" was performed by THE O'JAYS, 1975
"Rainy Days and Mondays" was done by (one of my favorites) THE CARPENTERS, 1971

Peace and Love....

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig.

Ahhhhh.  Home.  My happy place.  My SAFE place.  The place where I can be myself, scratch where it itches and all that jazz.  I look forward to coming home all day.  Is that what happens when you get over 50?  Turn into some cave dweller? No, I think I have been like this for quite a while before that. Here I sit, in my ugly black sweatpants and stained T-shirt, holding court with my furry little subjects (three cats) and decompressing after a day's work OUT THERE in that workaday world.  The world if we are honest, most of us pretty much  loathe.  The necessary evil of earning a living.  sigh. (But I just want to sew and read and work in my garden! Is that so much to ask??!) Meh. Being a responsible adult is so overrated.

But as much as I love my husband, and our cats, and our comfy little home, there is still something missing.  There has been for quite a while in my heart.  I have lived my life as a childless mother.  It's no wonder I have nurtured everything from goats to chickens, birds, cats, stray dogs, and even baby squirrels.  We are both bleeding heart animal lovers really.  I am so soft that I can't even see a poor dead animal on the road without feeling the need to genuflect (cross myself) and I am not even Catholic.  But I am the gal who didn't get to do this shebang the natural way.....I have faulty parts and the manufacturer's warranty is WAYYY expired. 

So.....we have been discussing and praying and discussing some more about adoption for, well, a few years really.  There always seemed to be something to come up to put it on a back burner.  But dang it, I am getting OLD! So we have determined that the next critter to be rescued shall be a human. (Or maybe they will rescue us?) It's now or never! And so, we finally have gotten that ball rolling.  Our first orientation meeting was this past Monday. (and I was pleasantly surprised to see about three other couples at least as old as us maybe even older!) But to say we are nervous would be a gross understatement.  Scared spitless would be more like it.  Our quiet little home is about to have its world ROCKED! But you know what....maybe it needs to be.  I have heard the whisper of God in my ear say to me recently as I was feeling the fear of the unknown blow over me, "Maybe this will be the best thing to happen to you in your life! 

So, if anyone does bother to read this blog, I invite you to jump in our jalopy with us and I will even let you ride shotgun as we "scooty poot" down this uncharted road towards adoption.  We're scared. We don't know what the heck we are doing, but I do believe that our Father in Heaven does.  So we will buckle up, pray for grace (among other things) and marvel at what the Lord shall do.  I hope my sense of humor has taken its vitamins.  "This is the Lord's doing, it is marvelous in our eyes." (Psalm 118:23)

Home. It really is where the heart is. Maybe we can be someone's safe place too?